Ham Radio Humor "Laughter Is An Instant Vacation" -Milton Berle

I stopped behind a car at a red light and noticed the auto had a ham tag so I quickly beeped out hi on my horn. Next thing I know, his window scrolls down and the driver leans out yelling "can't you see the %#@* light is still red!"

Easy way to sneak that new piece of ham gear past the XYL. Have a friend bring it over, hand it to you and say "here's that radio I borrowed from you, sorry I kept it so long" -Thanks to outdoor writer and humorist Patrick F. McManus for this idea (it works equally well with a new shotgun, rod & reel, pistol, etc. Visit his website www.mcmanusbooks.com and order some books that are guaranteed to have you laughing out loud.

While traveling overseas, 3 guys were arrested and wrongfully convicted of being spies. They were sentenced to death in the electric chair. When the fateful day came, the first guy was placed in the electric chair and the executioner threw the big switch. Nothing happened. The judge said "this is an omen. Your are free to go"  The second guy was placed in the chair. Same results. The judge said "this too is an omen. Your are free to go".  The third guy, an extra class amateur was placed in the chair, and before the switch could be thrown to the Zap position he said "hey fellows, I'm a ham radio operator and if you will re-set the circuit breaker on that panel, I think this thing will probably work just fine"

Frustration I was more frustrated than a CW operator with 2 broken wrists I was madder than a DxPedition that forgot to pack any mics or keyers Pop hadn't been that upset since the day he was building that Heathkit and accidently stuck his soldering iron between his lips instead of his pipe The band finally opened up to Hawaii so I could get that 50th state; fine time for the XYL to go into labor "what do you mean the VHF contest is NEXT weekend" after driving 4 hours to get to the mountaintop site Ham to his XYL-"you threw away WHAT!!!"

A ham was waiting to board a flight for the Holy Ham Mecca of the Dayton Hamvention when he was pulled aside by the TSA employee for "random" screening. After a very thorough frisking, worthy of an episode of Cops, the screener said "well I've got good news and bad news. The good news is you get to board the flight."  The ham said, well what on earth is the bad news?"  The TSA screener answered "your prostate is enlarged"

Actual quote from KC4G ex-WB4AVG  "you can always tell a good ham because his wife hates him" He said this when he looked out the window of his ham shack to see his wife cranking up the lawn mower to finish his mowing that Rodger, WB4HIR and I had interupted when we rode up to his house  on our bikes to ask him about ham radio.

"My wife said if I got on the radio one more time she was packing her bags and leaving me...over"

He Who Has The Most Antennas, Wins

A friend is someone who will come over and help you get that new 2KW amplifier set up. A true friend is someone who won't disclose to your XYL how much you really paid for it.

Can you imagine how confused a ham would be if he had been absent from amateur radio since 1970, only to re-enter the hobby today and wonder why all the hams have turned against the Brass Pounders League (BPL)??????

Things We Hate To Hear On 2 Meter FM Let's Switch Over To Another Channel The Pleasure Has Been Purely On This End I Just Put Me Up A New Set Of Beams CQ,CQ,CQ, Calling CQ......... I Got Me A Co-Phased Array On My Truck 10-4 What's Your 20? I'm Thinking About Putting A Power Mic On This Radio What's That Rhytmic Beeping Noise That I Hear On The Repeater About Every 10 Minutes? "I Never Knew That Ham Radio Was Such A Health Conscious Hobby. When I Was At The Hamfest I Saw A Bunch Of People Selling Finger Excercisers. Some Of Them Was Upright, Some Of Them Were Sideways, Some Were Chrome And Some Were Brass Looking.  I Even Saw A Couple What Was Hooked Up To Some Kind Of Audible Metronome To Help You Keep Rhythm. Over...."

ICOM I Can Only Monitor

Don't You Icom Fans Start Sending Me Emails; I Own 2 Icom Rigs Myself

The XYL told me last night that either some of my boatanchors go or she is leaving. I sure am going to miss her.

A "Real" Ham's Test 1-Aliens  from a highly advanced planet visit's earth and you are the first person they encounter. They give you a small, metalic disc that can eliminate all disease, bring world peace, and a stable economy.  Do you: A-Give It To The President of The United States B-Deliver It To The United Nations C-Take It Apart To See How It Works 2-As you grow older what quality of your youthful life do you miss the most? A-Boundless Energy B-39 Cents Per Gallon Gas C-Peak Sunspot Cycles 3-When Is It OK To Hug Another Male? A-When It's Your Father & You Haven't Seen Him In Over A  Year B-When You Are Performing The Heimlich Maneuver C-When The Homebrew Antenna You And Your Buddy Just Put Up Actually Works 4-In Your Opinion The Ideal Pet Is: A-Cat B-Dog C-A Parrott That Can ID For You Every 10 Minutes Without Prompting 5-One Weekday Morning Your XYL Tells You She Is Not Feeling Well And Asks You To Get The 3 Children Ready For School. You Reply: A-"We Have Three Kids?" B-"Is There Anything Special They Need To Take To School" C-"Sorry, I'm Net Control At 0700 For The Old Ragchewers Net" How To Score: Give Yourself 20 Points For Every Time You Answered C 10 Points For Any Other Answer 100 Points-A Real Ham 80 Points-You Have The Potential Of Becoming A Real Ham 60 Points-Better Start Reading QST, CQ & The ARRL Handbook 50 Points Or Less-No Hope. Better Donate Your Equipment To A School Radio Club And Take Up Another Hobby Like Yard Work, Collecting Paper Clips, Or Go Shopping With The XYL.

This is an amateur radio station.  With it I can communicate around the world and help foster goodwill with other countries. I can provide emergency communications during natural disasters and provide public service communications.  In order to operate this station I had to learn the Morse code and pass a difficult written exam to obtain a license from the Federal Communications Commission.  There is a strict set of federal regulations that I must adhere to in order to continue operation of this station.  I have been issued a callsign from the FCC that is unique; no other station in the entire world has this same callsign. In other words, I did a lot in order to be able to do a lot, SO DON"T GIVE ME ANY GRIEF ABOUT HOW MESSY THIS PLACE IS!

Fred walked into the house after a long day at the hamfest. His hair was matted with sweat, there was a rip in the knee of his pants and both hands were blistered. His wife said "you look awful! What happened to you"  Fred replied, "this was a terrible day! We had just started down the first aisle at the hamfest, when Bob fell over dead from  a heart attack" "Oh, no" his XYL responded "that's awful".  "Tell me about it" replied Fred. "All day long it was look at radios, drag Bob, look at radios, drag Bob".

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!", he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!" Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!" Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?" And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got a low band rig in there!"

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